Tea, chocolate and a sex ban

Having my gallbladder removed is officially worse than having a hysterectomy.

After my hysterectomy, it took 6 weeks to start feeling human, and 6 months to be anywhere near to fully-recovered. The sex ban was awful. I had to have a doctor give us the okay before we could do any more than kiss. That was about 10 weeks. It’s been 2 weeks since I had my gallbladder removed, and it is definitely worse than all of that. Why? Because I can’t fricking well eat what I want.

My life revolves around tea, food and sex. (Okay it actually revolves around my children, but this is a writer blog post, not a Mummy one.) I can’t do anything, I can’t function at all until I’ve had my morning cup of tea, preferably in my red and white spotty mug – because it’s bigger than the average mug. But since having my op, anything with caffeine in it has made me ill, including tea. So I’m on decaf. Do you have any idea how pointless that shit is?!

Charlotte Howard

See? Photoshoot, and I have tea in my favourite mug.

I mean seriously. Who looked at tea, coffee and Coke and thought: “You know what would make this great? If we took out everything that’s great about it.” Fuck that shit! I want caffeine. I want in my mug, and I want it through an IV, and I want it NOW! 

What else? Oh anything with oils, fats, lactose or gluten. I’m lactose intolerant anyway, but I can usually get away with drinking normal milk when we’re out (I’m not drinking that soy crap). I tried some chocolate the other day. I can manage a couple of squares before feeling ill. I can’t eat a whole bar though. I tried to eat some Jaffa cakes too. I ate two, count them, TWO, before wanting to throw up and having serious stomach cramps. TWO!

The sex ban is truly painful, emotionally and mentally anyway. I have four holes in me – two in my rib cage, two in my abdomen, and thanks to previous surgeries and other health issues, they are taking a long time to heal. So hubby (despite being told that it’s okay) won’t touch me in case, and I quote, “I break you”.

So that’s no tea, no sex, and no chocolate. At least after my hysterectomy I could eat chocolate and Jaffa cakes, and drink mug of tea after mug of tea.

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