It’s been a while since I did a personal blog post, so thought I’d do one today. I was struggling to think of what I could tell you about – one of the hundreds of business plans going around my head, or perhaps the novel I’m writing… Then I finally got to sit down with a cup of tea and all I heard was “Mummy, he’s hitting me.” “Mummy, she’s growling.” “Mummy he threw my toy.” “Mummy she drew on my piece of paper.” After cursing profusely on Skype to my husband (I **try** not to swear in front of the kids, and I certainly **try** not to lose my temper), I realised that this is what being a mum is. I am a verbal punching bag. If my abuser was 6″4, weighing **ehem** kilos, and 4 years older than me, it would be classed as domestic abuse. Unfortunately mine are under 4 foot (but growing like weeds), weigh next to nothing, and are aged 5 and 6 years old. This is called, Being A Parent.
Okay so today has been a particularly bad day, mainly because of the terrible weather, and that my daughter thinks that at her next birthday, she’ll be 17. But generally speaking, there are ways to tell that you are a Mum without physically seeing your children.
1. Lego & Barbie shoes
This is ninja-style ammunition. You don’t see it until you’re walking around with bare feet, and a piece becomes embedded into your sole / soul (yes, both). And it doesn’t matter how many times you tell them to pick it all up, how many times you go around on your hands and knees, scraping your fingers through the carpet. There will always be one piece that goes up the vacuum cleaner – which just happens to be the piece that they absolutely need to finish Darth Vader’s Death Star, or Barbie’s Rock Star Outfit.
2. Your kitchen is an art gallery
This is kinda cute. From their first scribbles to their genius masterpieces, kitchen cupboards will become display boards for their varying pieces of art. Not just paintings and pictures either, no… You’ll find yourself sticking scrappy bits of cut up paper, because it’s a collage of your face, or bits of cotton wool because it’s a sheep from the Nativity scene.
3. Phone calls don’t last more than 5 minutes
In fact you’re lucky if you get past 1 minute. As soon as you pick up that receiver you will hear cries of “Mummy, I need a drink” or “Mummy I need you to wipe my bum”, anything and everything suddenly requires your undivided attention, simply because you wanted some adult conversation. Before children, you hated cold callers. Now, you pray for them to ring when the children are at school / nursery, because it’s adult conversation that you can have for longer than 5 minutes.
4. The bathroom is no longer peaceful
Remember those times when you could lock the bathroom door, fill the bath with hot soapy bubbles, listen to relaxing music, light the candles, and disappear with a glass of wine for over 2 hours? Yeah… Forget those. They are loooong gone. Bathtime now consists of screams and nightmares and the need for a drink, or my personal favourite, a poo. It doesn’t matter that there is a separate toilet downstairs. As soon as I’ve stepped into that tub, the downstairs loo is now a dark and dangerous room, and the only place that will do is the toilet next to my head.
5. Me-Time is food shopping time
Yup. That most hated of chores, food shopping, becomes Me-Time. You actually fight with your other half as to who gets to tackle the supermarket, because both of you want an hour on your own without screaming kids. But you win, because he’s lucky and gets to go to work for 8 hours a day, 8 hours of freedom!!! It’s so unfair.
So that, is how you know you’re a Mum.
Bye for now, it’s time to go and drain one of my many bottles of much needed wine…